Build-A-Bear (FB Post)

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Two years ago, when Reese turned 3, we took the girls to Build-a-Bear in Destin. We promised we would go, again, the summer when Levi was 3.
We have been talking about this trip to Build-a-Bear for weeks, and we were excited to let Levi get to make one. We knew he would choose a Paw Patrol character. Lily was going to help him stuff it, and Reese was going to show him how to make a wish on the heart. I mean, the reality is that he would have carried it around for ten minutes and then promptly forgotten about it, but Build-a-Bear is really about the experience, so we just had to let him create this memory. Plus, the girls loved each time he was old enough for a new milestone. Lily was his real Mom, and Reese thrived anytime she got to play the role of wise big sister. 
Today was the day, and I was sad. I wasn’t bawling (not even crying) or overwhelmed with grief; I was just simply sad. There were moments of happiness- watching Reese pick up each animal and really debate the merits of pink bear versus rainbow bunny. My mom, dad, brother, and nephew were with us for part of it. My 9 year old daughter still loves stuffed animals, and I am grateful for her lingering childhood that shows no sign of letting up. 
But, when I saw the Paw Patrol animals, my stomach actually dropped. It was the most raw feeling of grief I have experienced, yet. It was so powerful in its simplicity. Of course the night we lost him was devastating, the succeeding days, the visitation, the service. But, now I’m just a mom with two girls in a Build-a-Bear, and my son isn’t with me. He will never have a Build-a-Bear.
Overall, it was perfect for the girls- they chose their animals, stuffed them, made birth certificates. But, when it was time for them to hold the tiny red hearts and make a wish, I almost got physically sick. I KNEW what was coming. I wanted to look away, to give them privacy, but I couldn’t force myself to look away. They squeezed their eyes shut and held the tiny hearts. I saw Lily’s lips mouthing silently: “I wish Levi was with us” as I heard Reese say “I wish my brother was okay.” I want to protect them, to bring him back for THEM. How is this fair for me, as his mom? But, oh, how is it fair for his 5 and 9 year old sisters? 
But, I’m learning that I’m not the only one trying to choose happiness. They have both delighted in their new animals, changing their clothes, bringing them with us to swim. They miss him. Some of their comments and actions over the past week and a half have struck deep into my Mama heart. But, they are resiliency in action; one minute they are wishing on tiny cotton hearts for their brother’s life. In the next minutes, they are trying to decide between a Bear Princess dress or Bear pajamas.
I’ll be honest, though- I’m just glad this day and this step, one of thousands, is over. Breathe in, breathe out.

Comments

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